It creeps in like a shadow in the night. Suddenly, I can’t seem to breathe normally. I feel like I’m sweating but its freaking cold here.

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It’s not easy

Learning to accept what people tell me without speculating the worst.

Learning to look beyond the insecurities.

Learning to believe (again) in the goodness of people.

Learning to not let insecurities control me.

Learning to build myself, my confidence, my strength.

Learning to separate back insecurities and intuition.

“I will support your decision”

It is so easy to say “I support you”, but how many people really mean it? Words are nothing, if your actions state other wise.

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As a female, I can always use the excuse of PMS to explain why I have monthly mood swings. To me, the thing that made me moody is something that is really bothering me and only emphasize at greater levels during PMS time. It seems like a good way to keep myself in check and to think about how I really feel.

I am thankful for all those people who have told me that they will ‘support’ me in this time, but I really appreciate if you don’t say it. Most of us don’t really know what it means, and the ‘hope’ you give me to live on, and yet your actions later on just tear my hopes into pieces. Some people say I have high expectations. Perhaps I do. Perhaps it is my bad to even share my thoughts and troubles with you. Perhaps you do not deserve a friend like me in your life. Is it so much to expect that when it came to the hardest point of my life, that you just give me space to breath, check on me once in a few weeks to see if I am still sane or alive, and most importantly… give me time to heal.

Stop judging me, or him. Stop telling me what I should do or how I should move on. Stop talking to people around me, telling my story, it is not yours to tell. Stop telling me you understand how I feel, when you can’t even listen to me. Stop saying you will support, if you can’t even listen to my pain without telling me I should do this and that. Stop saying you don’t understand, because you have ignored everything that I have said. Stop saying you care. Stop telling me it is going to be all right. Stop telling me I am on edge or I am coming off as attacking. Just, please, stop pretending that you really sincerely care!

I choose this road for a reason. A very personal reason. I don’t expect anyone to understand, because what I did is not conventional. I don’t feel hate, I don’t feel anger, I just feel a great deal of sadness. I don’t blame anyone for not understanding, because empathy is not commonly found in people.

Right now, I feel like I am at a point I can withdraw from the world, from the community I know, from familiar faces. If you really care, then show it. If not, I won’t blame you for not contacting me for a while, a long while. Everyone needs time to heal. 

We often don’t realize the weight of the words uttered from our mouth. Like an arrow pierce into someone else’s heart. Leaving an invisible scar throughout months, years.

And sometimes when we ourselves are hurting, those words are laced with poison…

I survived 100 Days!

At so many points, this felt impossible. There were so many days that I just felt that there was nothing in the world that could lift my spirits. Some days, I would be so down emotionally, but as I persevere, things slowly started to feel easier and lighter. Even if there wasn’t something special happening for the day, it didn’t bother me much anymore.

First, I want to say how extremely thankful I am to the crazy bunch of friends who have stick through, being my pillar of support, unconditional care and love, relentless scolding and telling me off. Also not forgetting the time just hanging out with me because I didn’t want to be alone, and of course the uncountable sessions of Mobile Legends to keep me occupied. I am crazily blessed with to have meet many different special individuals, that came into my life timely to share their life, their experiences, their love in this time of my life.

I am proud to say I achieve my purpose of doing the #100happydays challenge. I am not aiming for happiness, but aiming to change myself from the point I was at 100 days ago. To get out of the crazy emotional roller coaster and to be a better version of myself again.

In this time and age, a lot of us when going a very trying time in our life, we choose distractions over solutions.

I would like to challenge you, if you really felt that everything is going wrong in your life, things just not going the right way for you, or just feel really emotionally down for a long time and you just need the roller coaster to stop. Do this for 100 days, call it what you may, take that conscious step to a better you. If you are reading this, and you know me in person, and if you need someone to talk to, for this 100 days, I will be here for you.

#tallerstrongerbetter #thissongsavedmylife #betterdaysarehere #100happydays

Back To You

Music has a strange way of embedding memories. Since I have a habit of replaying certain songs over and over again (till I dam bosan with it), it somehow embeds all the memories I felt then. So when I listen back to a certain song, I remember all those random feelings and flash back memories.

This means a lot to me because I am super bad with memories. I can’t remember most of my childhood and growing up days. Without photos and weird throwback memories that apparently comes with some music, I hardly can recall most of my past.

Thank You

Making a conscious step to right the wrongs all though it hurts so much…

It’s so easy for me to pretend that I am okay, laughing and talking about all the distractions in life, but inside I just want to cry. And I wish someone would just sit with me and let me cry instead of telling me to “move on”.

Love, it is greater than my understanding. The sacrifice we make for a greater purpose, enduring any negativity for a purpose beyond what we can comprehend.

The unfolding of events in the past year is something I cannot describe in words. Every individual that cross path with my life, the close friends I build, came at the right time. I step back and look at the extreme madness that has prepare me for this day. And yet, weeks before this day came, everything suddenly subsided, and give me just enough space and time to refocus back into my own issues and face the overwhelming feelings.

Nobody will really understand the sacrifice and the sadness, on top of the joy that came with this decision. It really isn’t as simple. Yes, I am liberated that I made it so far, because this is the right thing to do, yes I feel a burden lifted when I started the whole process last year. Denying I don’t feel great sadness, is a lie.

We went through so much in 9 years. What felt like a lifetime must have passed. The unending roadblocks, the crazy dramas, the blood, the deaths, the bundle of joy, the crazy adventures, the criticism, the whole journey…

I love you, and always will but in a different way. Because despite every pain, every joy, every hurt, every smile, I consciously choose you many years ago. Despite the warnings, the drama, the deep wounds, the immense fluctuation of emotions, the sacrifices… on both our sides. We strive through all of the issues together, through the good times & the bad times.

Sorry, this day had to come. What seems like a choice, felt like an inevitable choice for me. I don’t blame you and I definitely don’t hate you. We both made tons of mistakes in the last 9 years, and yes it will be easier to say we forgive and continue to work it out. But the truth is, the amount of scars we have left on the other has cause those wounds to never heal. No matter how much we say we surrender to God to ‘heal’, the honest truth is we will always be just hiding it in our closets. And to truly move on, we both need to move on this painful journey on our own.

I really hope our soul will change, I really hope we find our peace again, I really hope we never loose sight of God… because only God can forgive us.

I will, I must… 

3hree more days and it will be over, why does it feel so hard to breath? My mind is entering flight mode but I’m trying to switch it to fight. Closer the reality is, the more difficult it feel to take this step.

Just take one breath at a time, just focus on me for now, just take one day at a time.

Everything will be okay. Better days are coming.