Step of Faith

If I could have it my way, I would paint the world white. Then we would all have a fresh start in living.

There is a greater hand at play in my life. So evidently, that if I choose to ignore the signs and hit the wall again, my pride may be too impossible to remove.

Someone said because this blog is in my name, I won’t write anything too personal, too deep, too dark. True and yet not true. This isn’t a place for confession nor a place to ‘kiss and tell’. This is my real emotions and thoughts in words, to clear my head and my heart. To note down, so I’ll remember easier. This is the real me.

I hold back saying some things not because it’s too ‘secret’ or ‘personal’ but I think of the reasons why I write it. Unlike talking, I can think twice before I post it. Talking, I tend to let my pride and stupidness get in the way.

God has been evidently putting people, and happenings in my path, ever more strongly in the last few weeks. Not answering my specific questions but guiding me to be a better person. First half of this year has been the worst roller coaster parts of my life, and thats coming from me, who has been going through roller coaster most of my life. Not as horrible incidents as a lot of people, no saying I had the worst life ever, but it was a lot to take for a normal girl growing up. I’ve been a Christian most of my life, I know the fundamentals of it, but I’m no holy-moly church goer. Yet I cant deny He is always here for me, and now trying to save me from myself; The greatest toxic.

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That ‘awakening’ moment

When making major decisions in life, I step back and evaluate my emotions. Ensuring that there is no hurt, anger and pain or even ‘sien’ feeling driving the decision. Instead I find the calm and peace feeling inside me, so I know that this is indeed the step I will take without regret. Fear will be there, change is a scary thing. The bigger the change the more the risk. We humans are always comfortable with the norm we know and live in. And its never easy to step out of that comfort.But what is norm to me?

Over the weekend, I had an awakening moment. This lightbulb moment comes with and acceptance that this ‘battle’ is not something I want to ‘fight’ anymore. It’s not about giving up, but looking at the situation differently and knowing when I should walk away, stay humble and let nature take its course. What I can do, is protect myself, and this year it includes accepting that I should put my pride down.

Over the past few weeks, I have been building a relationship with this new friend, who I swear is God-sent. Her presence in my life as a confidante, a vessel, an outlet, a message barrier and so much more has been very calming and yet very scary. And yet, there is this tingling feeling in me that all this is part of a bigger plan. 

Right now, I give myself less than one month to make a decision, I can’t even believe the thought even came to my mind. This decision is not a simple one, and is part of a bigger picture in how I want to move forward in life. And it has many layers and sub-decisions. And in order to really do this, I need a lot of assurance and God-given strength to move forward.

I am chosen, Not forsaken

Revelation 3: 14 – 22

Last 5ive Months

Counting down to the last 5 months of the year.

My time is running up. There is a few crucial things I need to settle to finally get over a few last hurdles before I can say a big chunk of this is behind me. Yet finding time to settle it hasn’t been in my favor. More often than not I let procrastination get the best of me, especially in matters like this. But if I really wanna move forward then I really have to settle it.

The little challenge to achieve something new each month didn’t come to past in July. In fact, I didn’t even do much exercise in the past 2 mths. It’s really been a lot to take in with work and life, and being unwell for 2-3 weeks and trying to force myself to have more down time which isn’t working so well. To proof that I did manage to find some down and alone time; I found some time for Netflixing, now on Black Mirror. Did some research and reading on understanding how i tick better. Was gonna embark in a little cleaning spree with the new keng-chao vaccum and also on a bunch of fitted caps I inherited, but it isn’t progressing much yet.

On top of the down time, there are only 2 things I wanna do for myself before the year ends. 1. Dive again. 2. Take a break.

If you know me well, you know I hold an ego on my intuition shit. If I perceive/feel something, I nearly always am determined I am right. Only because base on my track record of 35 years, I am nearly always right. Ego speaking again. The truth is, sometimes I sometimes I am wrong. It gets on my nerves when someone is hiding or lying something to me. I can’t tell why or what, but I know something is off and I cant quite put my finger on it. Yet this year, intuition has been blurred out with shit loads of insecurities. So I guess I’m learning the hard way that ego needs to go.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, That’s all right because I like the way it hurts. Just gonna stand there and hear me cry, That’s all right because I love the way you lie.

So for the second time in my life, I deactivated the more toxic social media, Facebook. Because the more sources I have, the more my insecurities build. The more insecurities build, the harder it is for me to overcome this mild depression.

I’m reluctant to look for professional help because of what it will cost (time ns money) and well, I don’t think I’m in such serious condition, I still can cope. Building whatever little support system, relying on whatever strength I have, cutting people out of my life (despite general public opinion, I really am cutting down lol), finding more positive activities, and relying on essential oils. I’m also learning to stop explaining myself to others. If you get it, you get it. If you don’t, its okay. We all have our own journey and difficulties in life.

This is a public blog, so if you are reading this, and you know me in person, do me a favor. You have 2 options, be a friend or keep your distance. I don’t need anything more nor anything in between. I’m not looking to be a free loader, nor any sorts of relationship. I conflict myself in person cause its a constant internal struggle of wanting attention and wanting to fix me.

Building Connections.

This week was suppose to turn out mundane. All work and apparently some down time for myself with only one movie outing. But then it suddenly filled with many unplanned happenings and a bunch of heartfelt messages.

Monday, I attended a wake service of the passing of a uni friend’s dad. She isn’t someone I kept in touch with regularly, and the next day she texted me to say how touched she was that I turn up for her mom’s wake 4 years earlier and now her dad’s wake. Today, I had an unplanned dinner meet up with a good friend from my Genting days, and he shared his bottled up heart felt troubles and emotions with me. These reminded me of what kind of human, I really am.

Building meaningful connections. This is what I value most in relationships, especially good friendships. I need to have meaningful connections. I treasure friendships with heart to heart talks and meaningful conversations. I treasure honesty, openess, deep conversations, sincereness… Not necessarily in form of words, because actions speaks louder than words. What more for a person like me, my senses picks up signs faster than my brain can process.

Although this year I haven’t really bother to do much of this. Instead have been filled with shallow (all fun and nothing real), distractions and surface level hanging out with people, and without realizing, its been killing me mentally and emotionally. Some even became too toxic for me to cope. I am tired of society’s acceptance of shallow relationships values. Rules we bend for short satisfaction ends up like toxic in our veins.

Someone recently highlighted to me that perhaps this is my small town girl’s value, but now that I think of it, many people I know from my ‘small town’ doesn’t value connections the way I do.

The one thing that gives me a sense of a fulfilled purpose driven life, is knowing my life impacted someone else. That my existence can even make a little difference to another life. That the little I do, give another hope, comfort, peace and perhaps they can feel not so lonely or lost in this sick and twisted world.

No matter how much I drift, I evidently see God planting people in my path of life, signaling me that He is here for me, always. In the last few weeks, I could finally been able to admit with a few close to me that I’m going through mild depression. The first step of recovery is admiting. As soon as I did that, I met someone, who felt like its Godsent at such a timely manner, to be my channel of outlet. A matured Christian lady, in my workplace. I started building the relationship weeks back because I thought she needed me, but it turn out I needed her more.

I need to cut off what is toxic in my life, especially toxic people. As selfish as this sound, and as contradictory as it may sound. My main aim this year is still to focus on me, build me, build back my security, to find myself again.

Ephesians 6:10-17

Bow before your queen!

So I gone a little batshit crazy taking photos at Asia Comic Con!

#punintended

This is my first time attending such an event, and it was merely to show support to the EO. Then there is a great photo opportunity area, so we just started hogging spots to take photos till we are satisfied. Scrolling through the pictures, I realise I really need to do more workout and also buy a pair of leather pants!

The highlight of the whole day was the Bat Mobile, and how I got to go in to it!!

 

   

There were 2 Mobile Legends cosplay but sadly not my Miya. Maybe the EO should have asked me, I might consider to do it for free if they can get the costume for me!

Am I a HSP?

Image result for highly sensitive person

I came across this subject about HSP (Highly Sensitive Person). No it doesn’t mean someone who is over emotional over everything. So what exactly does Highly Sensitive means? Been watching Tedtalks and reading up more on this. I feel that I can really relate to a lot of the things that they mention. Unlike most HSP, I am an extrovert. And most of the articles and videos online talks about an Introverted HSP.

Most of the list, I’d check off nearly 70-80% of things. What I had consider my “secret super power” is just me being an extroverted HSP. If you only known me in the recent 1 – 2 years, it does not accurately depict me. Subconsciously, to subdue my overwhelmed senses of everything going on in me and around me, I used loud music, excessive alcohol and yes, shit loads of caffeine… which apparently mess up my senses and numb it all. I also take alcohol so it helps me sleep from my overworked brain and emotions. It’s not a very straight forward reason, and now I think perhaps it has been a big help to block of sensing all the things around me, but instead of blocking it messed up my senses quite badly. So now, I am thinking, I really need to cut down and test my new found theory.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around this. Some people will say its all crap, but it really explains a lot. How I startle easily, how I can’t watch too violent shows, how jaws kept me afraid of water for years, how 6sense ingrained fear of the spirit world, how I have a freaking vivid imagination of things happening around me, how I would opt not go for crowded areas like pasar malam or food fair (yes I still go, but I normally gravitate to places with less crowd), just because too many things is going on at the same time and I feel overwhelm (people + smell + sound), how I don’t use perfume because the smell overwhelms me, how I always felt awkward mingling in big groups, and so so so much more. But over the years, I train myself to adapt to certain things, or at least mentally prepare myself before it happen.

This explains why some people think I am very emotional in some of my social media postings or the portion of the lyrics I choose to post. Because to me, I see and feel (what to some people they call “drama”) happenings of life and reality is not unicorns over a rainbow.

I may be wrong, there may be no such thing as a HSP, just the modern world theories giving labels and an opportunity to call themselves unique. Or all this may be very real, and if I figure out how to understand myself better, I can really be a better person and use my secret super power for the betterment of life.